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It is a recurring subject in the management of one's emotions, and one's feelings: self-confidence. We are going to talk about it, define it with its little sisters who are very close to it. Self-esteem and self-affirmation.
Once done, you will understand the 7-point action plan, to fix your self-confidence once and for all. If the video mode suits you more, you will find the following link:
Some people come to see me on the subject of speaking out, anxiety in the face of a happy or unhappy event, defending themselves against their colleagues, against their family, acting, getting started, exposing themselves, but for me these are the same topics that fall under the theme of self-confidence. And you have to understand these three concepts to properly apply the 7-point plan.
Self-esteem
Then there is self-esteem, personal: "I love myself". Social self-esteem: “others love me therefore I love myself”. His self-esteem generally has 2 criteria: what I think of myself and what I do with my life. Self-esteem can be the gap between what we think we are and what we want to be. The higher the difference, the lower our esteem.
Self-confidence
Considering one's own skills in action. I will act, speak, and I am confident about this execution. Self-confidence can be seen as the execution, setting up, action of one's self-esteem.
Example: I sing in my shower, I act like a star in front of the mirror, but in front of a thousand people... What's going on? Why is it not the same, yet I ask my body to do the same? Mechanically, physiologically, whether I sing in my shower or in front of a thousand people, it's the same thing, isn't it?
NO and this is where self-confidence comes in:
Self-confidence is above all your ability to believe that you can achieve/apply what you know how to do. In other words, self-confidence is the application of one's skills and the use of one's resources.
Self affirmation
It is the ability to express one's rights (without crushing others). Self-assertion is linked to self-esteem and self-confidence.
If no self-esteem. So assertiveness is fragile.
The more I advance in my self-confidence through action and success, the more I satisfy my self-esteem. And therefore the affirmation of me. In short, these three themes are closely linked and each rebounds towards the others. Now that we have the understanding of the concepts, of the material, we can use 7 tools to transform the thing...
Les 7 actions :
1. Acceptance
Accept yourself, love yourself. "What I am may be very average, even mediocre…. At the moment, but I will try to do better." And in this world where there are great people. I have great news: There are not many, even very few…
2. Their beliefs, their needs
Indeed, reviewing your mental map: we put certain beliefs and needs with more or less importance and exaggeration. They may be in the wrong place in your mind map. There are two, three elements in the wrong place that block us, paralyze us and prevent us from living fully.
Examples: "I have to be the best or nothing."; "My brother and me"; "my father's view of me, failure and betrayal, etc."
Those we applaud are those who try, try, those who fail and try again... Your program, your algo, needs to be reviewed: your mental map needs to be redrawn. When you applaud someone, often the best, the one at the top of the stairs: you are actually applauding passion, work, stubbornness and discipline. You call it genius, grace... But it's passion, work, stubbornness and discipline.
You must be led by a small inner voice, not by the comments of a stranger. No one is perfect, not you and not others. And I can give you a very long list of people who started off as less than average people. But they went on and on and didn't listen to the barking dogs...Bruce Springsteen, Carl Lewis, Bruce Lee, Michael Jordan.
Indeed, Michael Jordan, who was refused from his high school basketball team because his coach considered him too small and too weak… The greatest basketball player.
The mother of Thomas Edison who receives a letter from the schoolmaster who says "your son is useless and deficient" The same who invented, among other things, the light bulb, the telegraph, the phonograph, the power station, the camera... . In short, one of the greatest inventors of his century.
Another example: Frederick Smith, the boss of Federal Express (FedEx). In 1965, a student at Yale, he received a bad mark on his homework where he explained his vision of logistics and therefore implicitly his plan to create a Fedex business. He got a "C" on his dissertation... In 1971, he launched his box, first day, Fedex sent 350 parcels, only 6 arrived at destinations... 30 years later, 700 planes serving 210 countries, 150k employees, and delivers 4 million parcels… Per day… The largest carrier in the world.
Same thing for Floria GUEI in 2014 at the 4 times 100m given losing… 200m from the finish.
In short, stop listening to people about what you are worth. Listen to their arguments, if they are constructive, to improve yourself... but don't listen to those who are satisfied not to see you grow, grow...
Think in relative value. In the sense that you have to compare yourself to YOU in a 6 months, 6 years…
Being a pro marathon runner in Europe can be worth 2h05. In Iten, capital of Kenya. With this clock. The coaches decide that your career is to be a farmer and not a professional runner...
Compare yourself to yesterday and aim for tomorrow. Everyone is unique and in their own way. And the paths are not linear, Some start slow, others always at the same speed and others, it's sinusoidal...
3. My body
My limbic cortex is connected with my body. My body and my mind are closely linked. As a therapist I work a lot on breathing. We must oxygenate each of our cells, if my body feels insufficient in resources, it will not push me to action… On the other hand, loaded with dioxide among other things, it will push me to inaction… Breathe correctly… Exhale for a long time, you find a video on the subject. Posture, Posturology is an unconventional method of medicine…
We are not going to talk about the intelligence of fascias, meridians, etc. But from his attention to his body, it is a pillar of self-confidence.
I'm not talking about looking like an athlete to do Instagram reals, I'm talking about being good in your body... to be good in your head. Stand up straight, shoulder back, regard devant… L'attitude de mon corps drive l’attitude de mon esprit.
4. Surround yourself with positive
Get rid of toxic relationships, your bad news feed from your social network. The more negative things you scroll, the more negative things the algo will put to you. Go to networks where you can learn, choose models. Listen to podcasts, audiobooks, follow YouTube channels.
You are what you hang out with, what you listen to, what you think and what you say...
5. Objective
If we are not confident in ourselves, it can be for different reasons. And often, it's because the first brick is not there... The objective, the meaning of his action, the meaning of his life...
I am one of those who thinks about it, that we are built biologically, physiologically and mentally to have a direction, an objective, a goal… Without that, we go around in circles, looking for problems, wasting our time on useless causes and we waste our energy in unconstructive ways. We call this a target error.
Set goals. And if he sticks with a passion: BINGO! This limbic pleasure/reward structure must be satisfied. And behind your objectives, set up intermediate objectives, so you will validate the fact of arriving at victories, successes and therefore rewards.
6. To act
Action is the basis of self-confidence. Done is better than perfect. Do before you are ready.
People who seem to you to be successful and have a lot of self-confidence, may have doubts, difficulties, but they move forward through action and confidence comes with force. Don't try to redo the Sistine Chapel. In the sense that you should not embark on large projects. These great projects that stimulate the imagination, even reverie, but which are very far from a simple and quick realization. You need to see what you are doing, creating, producing, designing. So do little things, like bricks for your future cathedral
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The first Apple computer model was made of wood… The Apple 1 in 1976. Small, but done.
Having ideas is good… Executing them has value. Many have good ideas, good intentions and good ambitions. Action has value. Project yourself into action, small actions. But some…
It's acting, it's being in the movement towards your goal that will bring a lot of things, and confidence in you. And from there will appear on the path of new ideas, new encounters.
Don't force trust, don't focus on trust, focus on your subject. I talk about a subject, I work on my subject.
There are those who do and those who comment… It's always easier to say he was wrong, it sucks… Those who act do good things and bad things, but eventually they do better things. And those who do nothing comment. It's so much simpler.
So accept your limits, your mistakes, even laugh about them… it's part of the ride of your life. Don't let yourself be overwhelmed by others. (without crushing the others)
Note that those who do things, do not make fun of those who try... Because they know how difficult it is to move forward, to question yourself... to struggle...
7. Discipline/Routine
Through my routines, I put in place a stable and certain structure that gives me a sense of security. And this feeling of security, fulfilled, helps me to expose myself, to take risks. A number of hours per day, an intermediate objective in 3 weeks. I contact such person to help me, or collaborate in my project. I have a plan, habits. It gives Me self-confidence.
CONCLUSION
To conclude, I advise you to set up a diary for me. Do not hesitate to write all this, your progress, your limits and your surprises.
It is better to have a little every day… Than a blow… that falls into the water. By these 7 actions, you are in your shoes and you are there. In your subjects, your needs, your values and your enthusiasm… And self-confidence, that's it. You don't take someone else's place. Do not focus on self-confidence, in itself… Self-confidence is the consequence of all 7 points. And if any questions, contact me. Otherwise, action.
Marco PAONESSA
Relaxologue praticien agréé ASCA
Life coach certifié
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